Four yrs ago today, my entire life was turned upside down when I lost my momma. My entire world was shattered, I didn’t know how my life could exist without the one person my life revolved around. I remember sitting in silence all day and night without movement. I felt so alone and lost. I had my family and friends there for me but they never could provide that comfort that only my mom could give.
There were other factors that contributed to my state of being. The main one was my moms sister who made my mothers passing very difficult for me. She never really gave me the opportunity to mourn my moms passing. Those first few months she made me go through hell with her words and actions. Perhaps the main one was when she took my grandmother away from me, it was like losing my mom all over again.
Of all my cousins, I was the one tht was closest to her in her final yrs of life. So when I lost my grandma this past September, I was once again at a loss. Which brings me to the point of this tumblr post which has a happy ending, I promise :)
I can say tht I spent a good portion of my childhood in my grams house, I hve so many great memories there of both my gram and especially my mom. So naturally it was hard hving to wlk away frm there whn I lost my mom. And evn harder whn I lost my gram too. Howevr this past Thursday, after 10 long months, I found out some good news. The very house that I had to leave 4 yrs ago whn I lost my mom officially became mine. My gram left me her estate in her will.
Whn I wlked back into tht house it was as if I had nvr left. In each room I hve a memory of my mom and grandma. And they’re good memories, memories that make me smile and remember good times. Finally everything is as it should hve been 4 yrs ago.
I miss my grandma. And I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss my mom. I still have my moments, especially during the holidays, my mom loved celebrating holidays. I miss my mom giving me a book evry Christmas. I miss her getting mad at me when I’d roll my eyes, she hated tht. I miss getting food frm Cheesy Janes and going to the park to feed the ducks. I just miss her so much. So even though this is perhaps one of my darkest days of the yr, there is finally a little bit of light appearing. Because now I knw tht she, along with my grandma will always be with me :)
It’s been a long bumpy 4 yrs for me but I think I can finally start to close, or at least shrink this giant empty space I hve in my heart. I couldn’t hve done it without certain people in my life tht never once left my side and hve helped me along the way. My dear father, my uncle Jesse, my cousins Sandra and Diana, my aunts Laura and Sylvia, Miss Lily and my best friends.
If there’s anything tht u should take frm this post its this, if ur fortunate to still hve ur mom and/or grandma, please don’t take them for granted. U may not sometimes agree with them, but at least they’re still here. I’d give anything to hve my mom with me right now.
I love you momma, I miss u so much…
Celebrating tonight’s win with my fellow spurs fans downtown!!!! Go Spurs Go!!!!!
Flying high above the clouds on my way to visit my best friend. Yay!!! :)
Merry Christmas everyone. May love and happiness surround you all this Christmas Eve :)
My view frm the plane just before landing last night! Had a great time in Dallas this wknd. Will post a summary post later :)
Fort Worth Food Park So last night we (G, Claudia and myself) decided to take a road trip and ended up at the Ft Worth Food Truck Park. Something similar to Boardwalk on Bulverde like here in SA, just a tad bit smaller. It was vry cold outside but the space heaters throughout the seating area kept us warm, well kind of :-P Had this delicious vegetarian hot dog, well not an actual dog but the veggies and whtevr else mixed with it was good in a bun, a tofu taco frm the Nammi truck and vry tasty cupcakes!!! This was an awesome idea, good suggestion Claudia!!
So by this time every year I have already sent out the 50+ cards I send every year. This year I have not felt it which is odd for me….no matter how crappy I am feeling, I love sending Christmas cards! By doing so I see it as keeping the spirit of my mom with me. I see that I’m missing my mom very much lately and that it’s beginning to take a toll on my actions or lack there of. So this morning I’m txting with my best friend telling her how I feel and bring up the subject about the cards. I lied and said that I needed to buy stamps, I really hadn’t bought anything yet. Then she tells me, "It makes my day when you send me a card. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way" That’s all it took. Just two simple sentences to remind me why my mom always liked sending a Christmas card. She would send out maybe 80 cards every year and would only get about a little over half in return. I asked her once why she kept sending cards to people that didn’t send any back. She responded “because everyone deserves a smile at Christmas” So thank you best friend for reminding me why I like to send out a Christmas card. It’s because I want to keep the tradition that my mom taught me. So to you all that I send a card to, it will be there soon :)
Packed and ready to go!! Spending the wknd of my birthday in Dallas with my best friend and her sister. We are going to get wasted, get lost and ……………. Ahahaaha! :-P
Note to self, I really need to start updating my tumblr!!